Pre-children days would find me sporting the latest fashions including midriff baring tanks, t-shirts sans bra, and bare legs in the summer.

After having my children, I realized that my body-which was always happy to bounce back (even after I made a fool of myself at an all-you-can-eat buffet)- simply would not go back to normal.

So rather than spending my days in yoga pants and crocs or blowing thousands of dollars on full body plastic surgery I have used ‘yummy mummy magic’ to hide all my post-baby body secrets.

 Wear something fun and unusual -it will draw the eye away from any of your less stellar parts. For me, I prefer a colourful scarf tied around my neck (a la 1970s stewardess). But you could also sport cool retro sunglasses, a huge sunhat, or a patterned poncho-anything that catches the eye. While wearing these avant-garde fashions make sure to laugh loudly.

White should be banished from your wardrobe. Not only because it shows every lump and bump that pregnancy gave you as a parting gift but also because it is magnetically attracted to grape pop, lilac pollen and sticky candy fingers-stay away from white!!

They have these amazing undergarments (err-girdles) that will suck you in and not let you out until you cry ‘uncle’. Yet, amazingly, it does not feel like a boa constrictor is about to make you its next meal. You can get the full body squeezer for the thighs, bum and hip hugger. I prefer the bra/tummy tamer because my fat seems to have taken up residency on my stomach (I hear they are building a new condo complex).

The girdles of today are lightweight and breathable. Get them. Go now!  I would never wear a fitted top without one.

Stay away from shorts. Shorts are evil. Not only do they allow your cellulite to say ‘Good day!’ to all who walk by but if you have any fat on your thighs then shorts will exaggerate this by allowing your thighs to ‘munch’ the shorts thereby creating that hideous look-cuffs of shorts hiked up between your legs.

Thank goodness for the Capri pant. It gives me a chance to still look ‘summery’ yet not subject anyone to my feral cellulite. Team a pair of lightweight Capri pants with a breezy blouse and sandals-wear red lipstick and laugh loudly.

Big hat. Not only does a wide brim hat protect your face from the evils of the sun, but you can also use it to hide your face when your children do something embarrassing in public. Deny ladies....’that’s not my child’...deny...

Big costume jewelry. The other mummies will spend so much time wondering if that huge emerald ring is real they will not notice your chin became lonely and asked 2 other chins to join it on your neck. Make sure to wave your hand around so as to draw even more attention to it.

Since my breasts have now decided to permanently look sullen and defeated I have resorted to creative support. I love the tank tops with a built in shelf bra and push-up bras are my new best friend. Get cute ones-blue plaid, small floral pattern, and have it peeking out. Pretend you do not notice it is showing. And again, laugh loudly.


There is style during mummy-hood and with superior mummy magic (and a really loud laugh) you too can be the belle of the ball (or at least the belle of the soccer match).

 

Lillian Canini is a working mummy with two young boys. She loves spending her spare time writing, eating Lime Jello and working on her 7 times table.